MindCraft Challenges

John Gottman reports that improving friendship between romantic partners reduces negative interactions during conflict. Gottman teaches improving friendship as part of his marriage education program with multiple exercises, but there are simple everyday actions that people can take to build their friendships.

Challenge: Brenda O’Connell and her colleagues demonstrated that intentional gratitude and kindness towards friends can improve relationship quality. They asked people to either “Write and deliver a positive message (email, text, face-to-face) to someone in your social network (friend, family, colleague), thanking or praising them for something you are grateful for” or to engage in acts of kindness for someone in their social network at least 3 or 4 times in a week. Try this for yourself and see if those relationships improve.

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Gottman’s assessment of interventions
https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327698jfc0503_1
O’Connell’s friendship-building study
https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2015.1037860

McGregor and Holmes (1999) found that the stories we tell about conflict events in our relationships can bias our later memory of the event—taking on the story-telling role of a lawyer explaining why the other person was at fault led to more hurt and anger 8 weeks later than did taking on the role of an unbiased reporter. Many people also refused to take the perspective that the other person was innocent and they might be to blame—that is, they refused to do the task when assigned to take on the role of the other person’s lawyer.

On the other hand, satisfied romantic couples tell stories about each other that turn flaws into virtues—over time, those stories become true as people take on the qualities and roles of the stories they hear.

Reshaping our memories isn’t always a bad thing. For example, our memories of embarrassing situations or painful events shift over time so that we no longer feel the negative emotions in the same way.

Telling stories that shape our romantic partners and friends into better versions of themselves is a way to shape the imagined future function of memory systems. Try purposely telling stories about your friends (in their presence) for a week that emphasize their virtues and admirable qualities. Ask them to do the same for you (you can tell them that it is a psychology experiment, which is the truth). Does this type of positive storytelling change your perception of your relationship?

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Emotional memory is malleable
https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-024-00312-1
The study of storytelling bias from the participation sheet:
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.76.3.403
How satisfied couples tell stories:
https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167294206004
Idealization becomes reality for romantic partners:
https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.71.6.1155

Challenge: Follow Rachel Baumsteiger’s prosocial intervention steps:

• Learn about prosociality (we did this in class)>
• Elevation—Watch a prosocial story from ESPN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaXVk5GBx-s
• Spend at least a minute each writing about:
• People you admire
• How you would change the world if you could
• 3-5 values (examples: courage, independence, discipline) that are meaningful to you
• Your imagined self in five years in your best possible future—describe what your life would be like
• A plan for how you could help others more over the next week
• Implement your plan. Take notes at the end of each day about how your prosocial actions impacted others. Were you more prosocial?

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A Prosocial Elevation Intervention
https://doi.org/10.1080/01973533.2019.1639507
Elevation increases tedious helping
https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797609359882
Elevation makes violence less enjoyable
https://doi.org/10.1027/1864-1105/a000214